Ohai there. Been a while, huh?

I wonder how many posts I’ve started with that intro? More than are publicly visible, at any rate.

That aside: Hello again blog, and hello any errant readers or passers-by! Before I get into the meat of things, I should probably acknowledge that my last update here was on the 18^th of October 2020. That’s two years ago. That’s a lot of life to have lived.

Would you be astonished and amazed to find out I haven’t done much in that time?

First up: Streaming.

It was good! For 15-or-so months I kept a great schedule, formed a little community, made Affiliate in 6 weeks thanks to groundwork laid in my previous dips into Twitch, and earned a bit of pocket money. It ground to a messy halt thanks to a blend of mental health, meds, and general enthusiasm. My brain turned to fluff after I went back on meds and I lost the will to engage with anything other than breathing. It was a pretty scary time. I gave the meds a fair shake given as they were ones I’d been on before, but the side effects didn’t taper off as expected. They hung around for several months doing more harm than good. In the end I stopped taking them and my head cleared up, but I never fully regained the enthusiasm or momentum needed to start streaming again.

The lack of enthusiasm was the kicker. Even before the meds hit I’d been having doubts about what I wanted to accomplish with streaming and how to do it. I’d hit a ceiling and knew that the only way I could improve was to start taking streaming more seriously than I wanted to. Sure I could’ve kept where I was and continued doing what I was doing, but damn if looking at those numbers and checking stats isn’t addictive. I found myself caught between wanting to give it a proper shot and being aware that I didn’t have the energy or personality for wider appeal, or skill in the sorts of games that foster larger communities. I was also struggling to get excited about gaming in general. That’s a problem when you stream gameplay.

As recently as two weeks ago I thought I’d like to try it again. Then a whole shitstorm of drama swept across Twitch along with some questionable choices at their management side and the thought died a death. I don’t have the fucks to be involved in or even have an opinion on all that, even from the lowly outskirts.  

In the end I discovered some amazing games, met some great people, got closer to others, helped where I could, and learned a lot. It certainly wasn’t time wasted.

Secondly: Mental Health

Off the back of coming off meds, I started seeing a counsellor for 6 months because I’m not a total prat who stops meds without some manner of support. That was helpful. Not the magic bullet I needed, but it did help me raise some questions with myself and reach a few conclusions. I don’t have too much to say on this front as I didn’t discover anything overly profound or life changing. In the end I had to stop for financial reasons. A series of cat health scares emptied the coffers and I realised I wasn’t getting quite as much out of the process as I’d hoped for.

Again: it wasn’t time wasted. It helped me understand some things, recontextualise others, and held me accountable for some of my shittier behaviours. The good work done during that half-year has continued.

Thirdly: Work!

I left my old company and started working for a new, fully-remote small business as a game designer which is kind of wild. Not a videogame designer, mind. Think more along the lines of escape rooms. It has its frustrations of course, but I consider myself to be incredibly fortunate and I have an excuse to research and learn about all sorts of weird things.

Fourthly: Health!

Not mental health this time. Circumstances forced me to get some things checked out. I’ve probably mentioned it on this blog before, but in case I haven’t, I was born with two club feet. The operations and corrective procedures I went through were extensive. After the last operation was done when I was 9 years old, I sort of fell off the system. I never had any check ins or check ups to see how I was faring or to make sure my wonkiness wasn’t trying to re-assert itself. Although I’ve had occasional issues over the decades, a general acceptance that I can’t do some things that other people can has been the norm and the fact I’ve never pushed means I haven’t encountered too many problems.

That changed about a year and a half ago. Getting into the ins and outs would be too boring, but I’ve had x-rays and MRIs and been poked and prodded by all sorts of specialists. In the end they found fuck and all beyond the ‘yep, looks like your joints are just crap’. That was incredibly frustrating and upsetting. If they’d found something beyond the obvious then I would’ve felt better – vindicated – that something had changed. Turns out the new! and exciting! aches and pains that are coming through are just One Of Those Things and while treatments and procedures are available, they’re the sort of treatments and procedures that are best kept as a last ditch effort due to decreasing effectiveness or straight-up irreversible results. I do at least have some useful takeaways including some sexy new orthotics and advice on how to hold myself to minimise risk of pain.

One of these things is to not sit with my legs crossed. I have to conclude that [my body is biphobic].

Those are the big things, I think. Most everything else falls under those categories.

Except for the main thing that’s inspired me to pick up this blog again which will be covered in my next post.

So, y’know, stay tuned and stay frosty.